1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in ...the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted
the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I
noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'
I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' Replied the patient.

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to
the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications.'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch.' 'The
Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running
out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what
I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his
body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How
long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered,' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was
alive.'

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this
morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste,' Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly
and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on
the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been
dyed green and above it there was a Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off
the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short
note on the patient's dressing, Which said, 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.To cover my
embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly
burst out laughing, further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work
and sheepishly said . . .. ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She
replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . .
..' No doctor but the song you were whistling was, ' I wish I was an
Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

9. Baby's First Doctor Visit This made me laugh out loud. I hope it
will give you a smile! A woman and a baby were in the doctor's
examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or
bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your
waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor
said,'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' 'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm sure glad I came.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big

I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' Replied the patient.

Or, "yeth thir, and I'm only thixteen". :P

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to
the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

That'll do it.

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch.' 'The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered

I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

If one rolls the nicotine patch too tight, it won't light.

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

There goes my appetite...maybe it needs to go with blue grass. :P

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, Which said, 'Sorry . . . Had to mow

lawn.'

It'll itch like the dickens when it starts growing back. Seriously, the bacteria love hairy, dark, moist areas.

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said . . .. ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ..' No doctor but the song you were whistling was, ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

LOL!!

9. Baby's First Doctor Visit This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile! A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's

exam.The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight,

being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional

detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm sure glad I came.

ROFL!! Wow!! :D

I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' Replied the patient.

Or, "yeth thir, and I'm only thixteen". :P

I heard it originally as only firteen. . .

That'll do it.

Close enough -- likely scared the life out of himself!

If one rolls the nicotine patch too tight, it won't light.

Stop telling lies. They will, too, & burn longer, too. . .

There goes my appetite...maybe it needs to go with blue grass. :P

Blue grass, but not the brown acid. . .

It'll itch like the dickens when it starts growing back. Seriously, the bacteria love hairy, dark, moist areas.

The point being is it isn't hairy any more. . .

..' No doctor but the song you were whistling was, ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

LOL!!

Freud is snickering.

Grandma got a new story for the ladies down at the beauty parlour!

If one rolls the nicotine patch too tight, it won't light.

Stop telling lies. They will, too, & burn longer, too. . .

That came from a B.C. comic strip years ago.

There goes my appetite...maybe it needs to go with blue grass. :P

Blue grass, but not the brown acid. . .

Never mind it burns, burns, burns...the ring of fire.

Q: What do Taco Bell and your period have in common?
A: They are both great, even late!

Q: Why is Taco Bell removing the trans-fat from their menu?
A: Because they want the Chalupa to pad your ass without clogging your arteries!

Q: How did Taco Bell repudiate claims that their chickens are abused
and tortured?
A: Our chickens are not abused and Waterboarding is not torture!

Q: Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
A: Because there was a Taco Bell on the other side.

Q: Why doesn't Taco Bell have a playground?
A: Because its hard to have fun when you might shit in your pants.

Q: Why is Taco Bell debuting their $2 combo meal in San Diego?
A: Because it comes with bus ticket to Tijuana!

Q: What did the stoner say when he had the best time of his life?
A: Taco about a good time.

Q: What do you do after placing an order at Taco Bell?
A: Look the cashier dead in the eyes and say "Remember, we never had
this conversation"

Taco Bell has begun a controversial ad campaign launching the
Drive-Thru Diet, which claims that their food can help people lose
weight. In a related story, ultra light cigarettes give people clean lungs.

Save a bun, eat a taco.

"I hate tacos" said no Juan ever.

There was a taco and some nachos. The nacho was sad so the taco said
wanna taco about it and the nachos said nacho business.