Chris' mother was in the hospital, so he went to visit her, and to
see his new brother. Chris wandered into a room across the hall,
which was occupied by a woman with a broken leg.

"Hello" he said. "How long have you been here??".

"Oh, about a month".

"Let me see your baby?", he then asked.

"I don't have a baby", replied the woman.

"Gee, you're slow" said Chris. "My Momma's been here just two days,
and she's got one"!!

My fave baby story:

One for the photographers....

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to
hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Jacobs answered the door. 'Good morning, ma'am. You don't know me, but I've come to...' 'Oh yes, I know why you're
here. Harry told me you'd be coming soon.' 'He did? But I...' 'Come right in! No use wasting time .' 'Very well, then.'

The photographer took out his briefcase and sat down. 'As you may already
know, I've made a specialty of babies.' 'Good, I'm glad,' said Mrs. Jacobs. 'That's just what Harry and I were looking for.'

'I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed,' said the photographer. 'The living room floor is fun too...you can really spread out.' 'Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it never worked for Harry and me.' 'Well, ma'am, none of us can guarantee a perfect one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I think you'll be quite pleased with the results.'

'I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly,' Mrs. Jacobs gasped nervously. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd like to
be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm
sure.' 'Don't I know!' said Mrs. Jacobs.

The photographer pulled out a portfolio of his pictures. 'This one was done
on top of a bus in downtown London,' he said, showing Mrs. Jacobs the
picture. 'Oh my God!' exclaimed Mrs. Jacobs, tugging on her handkerchief.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact
that their mother was so difficult to work with.' He showed Mrs. Jacobs
another picture. 'She was difficult?' questioned Mrs. Jacobs. 'Extremely,'
said the photographer. 'I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, just to get a
good look.' 'Four and five deep!' Mrs. Jacobs was amazed. 'Yes,' said the photographer. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then, it started getting dark and I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment. I just packed it all in.'

Mrs. Jacobs leaned forward. 'You mean the squirrels actually chewed on your, um...equipment?' 'Yes, ma'am. Thank God, no real damage was done.

Well, we'll get to work as soon as I set up my tripod.'

'Tripod? ' Mrs. Jacobs looked extremely worried now.

'Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much to big for
me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Ma'am...ma'am...good God,
she's fainted!'

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

'Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much to
big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Ma'am...ma'am...good God, she's fainted!'

It has been awhile since I've heard that one.

There's another one where this woman likes to go camping, but she's
very delicate in asking about toilet facilities at the campground...
but you obviously need them.

So she asks the director if the campground has its own BC (for bathroom commode). Yet, he's not old fashioned, and he thinks she's asking about
its own Baptist Church!!

The reply letter is an absolute scream!! I believe it'll get posted
in here sooner or later. <BG>

Daryl

... When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - tbolt.synchro.net (1:19/33)

George,

'Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much to big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Ma'am...ma'am...good God, she's fainted!'

It has been awhile since I've heard that one.

Same, but still one of my all time favorites. .

There's another one where this woman likes to go camping, but she's
very delicate in asking about toilet facilities at the campground...
but you obviously need them.

So she asks the director if the campground has its own BC (for bathroom commode). Yet, he's not old fashioned, and he thinks she's asking about
its own Baptist Church!!

The reply letter is an absolute scream!! I believe it'll get posted
in here sooner or later. <BG>

Another grat classic; I went hunting. . . would've found it quicker if I had
my 486 hooked up, as I know ow I've indexed it. . .

The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite
delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular
campground asking for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself
to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she
finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again and rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom
commode merely as the BC. "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him.

After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground
owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about he local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no
doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous. Even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know
that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more
regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other
folks.

Remember, this is a friendly community.

Sincerely, Campground Owner

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

Another grat classic; I went hunting. . . would've found it quicker if
I had my 486 hooked up, as I know ow I've indexed it. . .

Remember, this is a friendly community.

Yeah, that's the one. I would've liked to have seen the look on her face
when she read it. <G>

Daryl

... "The other day a dog peed on me. A bad sign." -H.L. Mencken
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)

George,

Another grat classic; I went hunting. . . would've found it quicker

if

I had my 486 hooked up, as I know ow I've indexed it. . .

Remember, this is a friendly community.

Yeah, that's the one. I would've liked to have seen the look on her face when she read it. <G>

I forget who she was & what was the topic there. . .

Oh, BTW, I finally remembered the name of the stabdup guy on YouTube I'm sure you'll like: Tim Hawkins

... "The other day a dog peed on me. A bad sign." -H.L. Mencken

Only if, like the meme, you're asleep on the beach at the time. .

If you're standing, you're fine.

Q: If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
A: K9P.

Q: What should you say to a dog who pees on a four leaf clover?
A: Urine luck!

Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands;
There are no canaries there either.

My daughter asked why does the dog have to stop to smell every tree, bush and pole?? I told her, heÆs just checking his P-Mail...

While making dinner, The Wife spills a bag of frozen peas on the floor.
She's instantly red faced.
I knew I had to tread carefully
"Man, if the dog did that you'd be yelling at her for peeing all over the
floor."
She tried so hard not the laugh and she failed.


Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

Yeah, that's the one. I would've liked to have seen the look on her face when she read it. <G>

I forget who she was & what was the topic there. . .

That was the old fashioned woman who loved camping, but could not bring herself to use the word "toilet" in her letter, inquiring about the
campground having such available. She thought "bathroom commode" was
too forward, so she used B.C. instead. Unfortunately, the campground
owner wasn't old fashioned, and he thought she was talking about the
area Baptist Church. The resulting letter likely gave the woman a heart
attack or stroke, but it did win a prize in a contest.

Q: If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
A: K9P.

That's about it.

Q: What should you say to a dog who pees on a four leaf clover?
A: Urine luck!

The acid in dog urine will kill plants.

Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands;
There are no canaries there either.

I got that meme in an email the other day.

My daughter asked why does the dog have to stop to smell every tree,
bush and pole?? I told her, heÆs just checking his P-Mail...

There was a cartoon of dogs introducing themselves to each other. After
the introduction of each other and exchange of pleasantries, one is to
ask the other "May I Sniff Your Butt??". :P

She tried so hard not the laugh and she failed.

It depends on where your mind goes...just like in the church bulletin bloopers, or that campground story noted above.

Daryl

... BAR CODE: Electronic device to help locate bars.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)

I forget who she was & what was the topic there. . .

That was the old fashioned woman who loved camping, but could not bring herself to use the word "toilet" in her letter, inquiring about the campground having such available. She thought "bathroom commode" was
too forward, so she used B.C. instead. Unfortunately, the campground
owner wasn't old fashioned, and he thought she was talking about the
area Baptist Church. The resulting letter likely gave the woman a heart attack or stroke, but it did win a prize in a contest.

Right. I heard it orginally as WC & "Winchester Cathedral"

A classic, for sure!

Q: What should you say to a dog who pees on a four leaf clover?
A: Urine luck!

The acid in dog urine will kill plants.

Some plants actually benefit from the uric acid, like some rose varieties...

Ourdog won't go in the backyard, as he doesn't understand he can -- he;s used to his wealkabout out front, up the driveways & grassy areas. . especially
the mailboxes! He loves those best!

Mnight be up to me to provide my wife's rosebush (Mother's Day gift) with
some uric acid!

Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And

the

same thing applies to the Virgin Islands;
There are no canaries there either.

I got that meme in an email the other day.

It wasn't me; I've not had it as a meme, ever. . .

... BAR CODE: Electronic device to help locate bars.

Q: Why does Norway have barcodes on their ships?
A: So they can just Scandinavian

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode
reader.
The look on his face was priceless.

Why don't priceless & worthless mean the same thing?

Dogs can't operate an MRI scanner, but CATSCAN.

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

Right. I heard it orginally as WC & "Winchester Cathedral"

A classic, for sure!

Now, I'll have that song in my head all day. :P

Some plants actually benefit from the uric acid, like some rose varieties...

A fellow ham radio operator said his roses are growing like gangbusters.
He even tried to mow it down to kill it...no dice.

I heard one can use a gallon of white vinegar, mixed with a tablespoon
of salt, into a sprayer, and spray the mixture onto ivy in the lawn, and
it will kill it. I don't have the strength to do it, but it has been so
wet here lately, you can't apply much of anything to weeds, ivy, etc. if everything is so wet. We'll dry out over the holiday weekend here, but
more storms arrive by Tuesday. I hope I can get some time to get the BBS
into the cloud. I was offline overnight for severe weather, and then for Windows updates this morning.

Ourdog won't go in the backyard, as he doesn't understand he can --
he;s used to his wealkabout out front, up the driveways & grassy areas.
. especially the mailboxes! He loves those best!

I P here. <G>

Mnight be up to me to provide my wife's rosebush (Mother's Day gift)
with some uric acid!

Flies spread disease...keep yours zipped, please. Or "We aim to please.
You aim, too...please". <G>

Q: Why does Norway have barcodes on their ships?
A: So they can just Scandinavian

Here's looking at you, kid.

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.

Sounds like the one where the guy got a bill for $0.00 -- he threw it out.
He got a second notice to pay...he threw it out. Then, he got a threatening letter, of turning him over to a collection agency. So, he sat down, and
wrote a check for $0.00 -- and was never bothered again (true story).

Why don't priceless & worthless mean the same thing?

Dogs can't operate an MRI scanner, but CATSCAN.

I thought a colonoscopy was a form of an MRI - My Rear Invaded. <G>

Daryl

... "Junior!! Quit Playing With Your Floppy!!"
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)

A fellow ham radio operator said his roses are growing like gangbusters. He even tried to mow it down to kill it...no dice.

I knew someone tried to renove a rosebiudh, rtoots & all -- tried hacking, digging, ;ulling, then found a buddy with a 4X4 & a winch -- snapped the
bumper off first try, then broke the winch the next time!

I heard one can use a gallon of white vinegar, mixed with a tablespoon
of salt, into a sprayer, and spray the mixture onto ivy in the lawn, and
it will kill it. I don't have the strength to do it, but it has been so
wet here lately, you can't apply much of anything to weeds, ivy, etc. if everything is so wet. We'll dry out over the holiday weekend here, but
more storms arrive by Tuesday. I hope I can get some time to get the BBS into the cloud. I was offline overnight for severe weather, and then for Windows updates this morning.

My wife found a 4L sprayer on Amazon, fill it with a simliar mixtire (+1tsp dish soap), micx well, pump it up before you go, press the release & it
spreays itself as you walk around the garden. . .

If our Carolina Reapers(hottest pepper per Guinness) grow, I intend to make a mixture of strong pepper juice & salt to sell as garden protectant (will
deter snails, slugs, & sniffy mammals like cats, raccoons, rats, et al)

I P here. <G>

"Race to the Outhouse" by Will E. Makit, illustrated by Betty Wont.

Sounds like the one where the guy got a bill for $0.00 -- he threw it

out.

He got a second notice to pay...he threw it out. Then, he got a

threatening

letter, of turning him over to a collection agency. So, he sat down, and wrote a check for $0.00 -- and was never bothered again (true story).

The one I read, also "true story" had the IRS contacting the guy to angrily demand why he sent a cheque for $0.00, because it broke their computer!

One of those stories you really hope are true!

... "Junior!! Quit Playing With Your Floppy!!"

Q: What do Jesus and a floppy disk have in common?
A: They both died to become the icon of saving

Q: How does a computer get drunk?
A: It takes screen shots.

The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.
It was a hard drive.

Q: WhatÆs the difference between my wife and a computer?
A: Computers donÆt laugh at my 3.5&#8243; floppy

Q: How can you tell if a bunny is obsolete?
A: It has 5 1/4 inch floppy ears.

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

I knew someone tried to renove a rosebiudh, rtoots & all -- tried
hacking, digging, ;ulling, then found a buddy with a 4X4 & a winch -- snapped the bumper off first try, then broke the winch the next time!

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet?? :P

My wife found a 4L sprayer on Amazon, fill it with a simliar mixtire (+1tsp dish soap), micx well, pump it up before you go, press the
release & it spreays itself as you walk around the garden. . .

I'll have to look for that. I've got a similar mixture from Wal-Mart,
but it has been too wet lately from all the rain to do any good. And,
more storms arrive Monday night, lasting into next week. To make matters
worse, one of the long range models shows a possible hurricane coming
ashore along the upper Texas/southwest Louisiana Gulf Coast by June 12.
If it moves north-northeast, the center comes right over Arkansas, with flooding rain and a threat for tornadoes.

"Race to the Outhouse" by Will E. Makit, illustrated by Betty Wont.

It's on the Best Smeller List. <G>

Reminds me of the one where the blondes were traveling, and saw a sign
"Clean Restrooms Ahead". They scrubbed toilets for the next 100 miles. <G>

The one I read, also "true story" had the IRS contacting the guy to angrily demand why he sent a cheque for $0.00, because it broke their computer!

Two words..."technology, phooey!!".

Q: How does a computer get drunk?
A: It takes screen shots.

I use the utility with the IObit software suite...makes it really
convenient.

The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.
It was a hard drive.

If you don't have shock absorbers, you can run over a coin, and
tell whether it's heads or tails. <G>

Q: WhatÆs the difference between my wife and a computer?
A: Computers donÆt laugh at my 3.5&#8243; floppy

Depends on where the data port is. :P

Q: How can you tell if a bunny is obsolete?
A: It has 5 1/4 inch floppy ears.

That could've been a hare raising experience.

Daryl

... 3 things fail as you get older. Memory's first.......................... === MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:19/33)

I knew someone tried to renove a rosebiudh, rtoots & all -- tried hacking, digging, ;ulling, then found a buddy with a 4X4 & a winch -- snapped the bumper off first try, then broke the winch the next time!

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet?? :P

Pete Rose, by any other name, would still smell of sweat?

My wife found a 4L sprayer on Amazon, fill it with a simliar mixtire (+1tsp dish soap), micx well, pump it up before you go, press the release & it spreays itself as you walk around the garden. . .

I'll have to look for that. I've got a similar mixture from Wal-Mart,
but it has been too wet lately from all the rain to do any good. And,
more storms arrive Monday night, lasting into next week. To make matters worse, one of the long range models shows a possible hurricane coming
ashore along the upper Texas/southwest Louisiana Gulf Coast by June 12.
If it moves north-northeast, the center comes right over Arkansas, with flooding rain and a threat for tornadoes.

We never buy "mixtures" if we can make it ourselves & save $$$.

"Race to the Outhouse" by Will E. Makit, illustrated by Betty Wont.

It's on the Best Smeller List. <G>

Good 'un!

Reminds me of the one where the blondes were traveling, and saw a sign "Clean Restrooms Ahead". They scrubbed toilets for the next 100 miles. <G>

Some very grateful travelers followed that act!

The one I read, also "true story" had the IRS contacting the guy to angrily demand why he sent a cheque for $0.00, because it broke their computer!

Two words..."technology, phooey!!".

Like I say, "Technoloy is great. . .when it works." (& it always works -- the yutzes in charge of programming &/or data input, not always so much)

Q: How does a computer get drunk?
A: It takes screen shots.

I use the utility with the IObit software suite...makes it really convenient.

I just PrntScrn & paste it into FreePaint, then crop as desired, add in
arrow, cucles, lines, etc, & save it (defaults to PNG which is a pain, as Iu prerfer Jpg for the disk dspace savbing -- I may have a 2Tb, but I've learned my lesson -- it WILL gt full, &too quickly, too. . . (pretty much is now, but I'm the guy who once downloaded 2Tb in 3 weeks onto my external. . .)

The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.
It was a hard drive.

If you don't have shock absorbers, you can run over a coin, and
tell whether it's heads or tails. <G>

Having bald tires on your bike, means you can ride over a slug & tell what religion it is!

... 3 things fail as you get older. Memory's

first..........................

.......I forget the other 2

My earliest clear memory from my childhood is going with my dad to get my prescription glasses.
Life before that is a blur.

My memory is so good, I can remember going to my dad's prom with him then
going home with mom. . .

I have photographic memory...
...but they don't make his film any more
...but I keep forgetting to take the lens cap off


I have a memory like a steel sieve
Does a male sheep have the best memory?

Q: Are people born with photographic memories...
A: ....Or do they take a while to develop ?

If alcohol can damage your short term memory
Imagine the damage alcohol can do.

[picture of a boomerang with DDRAM chips taped to it]
... This brings back memories. . .

A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandpa...
Until my mom hid the urn from me.

Q: How much memory does it take to store a joke ?
A: 1 Gigglebyte.

Did you know that too much sex can cause memory loss??
I read that in a medical journal on page 34 at 12:22 pm on September 23rd of last year.

Q: What did one memory buffer say to the other memory buffer as it was
running away...
A: .... cache me if you can.

I have a perfect memory.
I honestly canÆt remember a single time IÆve ever forgotten anything.

Q: What is that 1 memory that the computer will never forget?
A: His school EEPROM.

Doctor: You have a disease that causes memory loss.
Me: Is it contagious?
Doctor: Is what contagious?

I burst into the kitchen and shouted at my wife, "Honey! Whatever you do, do NOT let them take your temperature on your forehead when you go into the supermarket!! It erases your memory!! I went in for bread and milk like you asked..."

"...and came out with two cases of beer!!!"
-=-
In memory of my Dad, hereÆs his favorite joke: Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

I was able to sketch most of the Alps from memory...
But for one of them, I drew a Blanc.

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)